Wednesday, April 25, 2012
This week has not been an easy one for me. I have always struggled with anxiety and fear, yet this week has been very hard for me. I really think that I haven't dealt with some really tough issues from my past and the enemy keeps bringing those up for me to struggle with again. I know God wants me to face these struggles head on and move forward once and for all. A few weeks ago, on the anniversary of my grandmother's murder, I cried most of that week on and off. The anniversary of her death doesn't normally really affect me in a huge way, but for some reason this anniversary was extremely difficult. I think this week has just been a continuation of that struggle and I don't think I have ever really grieved my grandmother's death. God allowed me to have this wonderful woman in my life for 30 years and for that I am thankful. I will never truly understand why God chose to take her to his home in the heavens, but I know God said to her when she arrived, " Well done, good and faithful servant." My grandmother lived her life for the Lord and she was the ultimate example of excellence in human form to me, yet I know God has a plan for all the pain as well as the joy we face while in our earthly home. Grief is a powerful emotion and I think I had to be strong for everyone else during that time, and I never grieved. I have always had to be the strong one and keep everything bottled up inside and not need anyone to worry about me. Yet, through this past few weeks, I have realized that I am falling apart inside because I keep everything inside and act like I have it all together. Usually, I do have a pretty good grasp on whatever is going on in my life, but lately I really just need someone to stand beside me and say..." I am here" and to give me a hug. I need a friend with skin on as my mom says.. I have just recently been out of the workforce for the first time in my adult life. I am really struggling with finding my purpose in being home. I miss being out in the public and seeing people as well as having a purpose. I really don't know what I am to do while I am at home. I help my husband some with our business but I feel like I am not contributing enough... I want more yet I don't know what that " more " is.. I am not saying material things. I am saying more than just cleaning, cooking and helping with the runnings of the business. Please pray for me and what I am suppose to be doing during this time of transition. I would also appreciate you praying for me to find a good friend that will be a part of my life... I pray for you as well. Please leave me a comment..