Psalm 16:11 You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

An Untroubled Heart

I am currently a member of an online bible study with Melissa Taylor at her website, The study is by a book called " An Untrouble Heart" by Micca Campbell.The first chapter has been really hard to read due to the story of Micca's husband dying tragically in a fire. From the moment my brother in law took his own life and then when my grandmother was murdered by my grandfather 6 years later, I really have only exsisted and not really lived due to fear in my life. Fear is such an overwhelming emotion to me that I don't really even know if I have ever had a day in my life that fear wasn't rearing its ugly head in some form or fashion. But that is why I am doing this study with 2600 other men and women from all over the world. I am praying that what Micca writes in her book will help me break this stronghold in my life. For me, losing a loved one is hard enough without having a huge trauma connected to that death. I have lost so many loved ones through tragic deaths such as suicide and murder, that I often wonder if I really know what a normal grief would feel like. I don't really understand grief as a normal emotion because to me, I have always had to be the "strong one" and the one that didn't need anything thing from anyone, yet I desperately wanted someone to look me in the eyes and say " Angie, you will survive and there is a good plan for your life." But I never heard those words or felt the security in believing that all things would return to normal. Here it is 20 years later, and they are "normal" as best as I know them to be but I know that there is "more" out there than just my small exsistence on this little blog, in my little town and with my little life of insignificance. I am sure I mean something of importance to someone in my small world, but I want to do great things with my writing, my story and my healing from the Lord. I don't know what God has for me, but I pray it will be big enough for me to know it is totally HIM and not any doing of my own. I have seen it so many times in my life, yet here I am again asking for another miracle Lord. In 2008, I wasn't able to leave my home due to agoraphobia and here it is 4 years later, and I can leave my home, drive, shop, go to resturants and try to live as normal as a life as I can. I still have a huge fear of traveling away from my town but that is a fear I am going to also conquer with God's help. Miracles are possible and healing is possible. I know. I have had it in my life more than once and you probably have to. Don't give up. Fight the good fight of faith and come out on the other side better than when you started. Lord, Today I ask you to bless any person reading this post. Maybe they are also facing fears in their lives; whether small or large, they are still creating conflict in their lives with the plan on their lives. I ask you Lord, today to break all chains of bondage for myself as anyone else reading this blog. You know our needs and you know the traumas and pain we have faced. I know Lord, you don't want us to live in our "story" because You have a better story for us. I want that story Lord. My life means more to YOU than just the tragedies and pain and abuse I have faced. There is more for myself as well as every other believer you are holding in the palm of YOUR hand. Lord, guide me with my writing. Help me to find the words to continue to speak to others. Help the right doors open and Lord, close the wrong ones as well. I thank You Lord for loving me and always holding my hand. Link Up: Micca Campbell Link Up: Melissa Taylor

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